Let’s face it, none of us really want to constantly suffer in our lives. We all know times where we have felt truly happy & present with not a worry in the world. We often link these periods of our lives to being somewhere else or with someone or even just taking a break from the daily grind and being in nature or undisturbed in the comfort of our homes. We say, when I’m here I am happy, when I’m with that person I am happy as if happiness is something that can be acquired.
Happiness, or ‘Happeness’ as I sometimes like to call it ‘Happens’ when we are in complete alignment with the flow of life. It is in fact our very nature, our core state – that is, when we are not governed by the voice in our head – the voice of our belief systems.
Where did these come from? Have you ever thought any of the following?
Why am I worrying about a something I don’t consciously care about?
Why am I doubting my abilities at work when I’ve proven to myself over and over again that I am capable and competent?
Why do I contemplate everything that can go wrong with a situation in the future when it almost never ends up happening?
Why do I judge myself when I try to achieve my goals when I don’t like judging other people?
Why am I avoiding doing that thing I need to do?
Life is just a constant up and down and most of the times when I’m down, I’m not sure why?
It all starts with what is considered ‘Surface-level issues’. My college doesn’t respect me, my partner won’t listen to me and take my advice, my cat is trying to kill me.
What if I told you that most of the time, the meaning of it all has nothing to do with the situation itself. *Gasp
Let’s go on a journey back in time – yes, we are time travelers constantly disregarding the present moment and living in the past or the future.
Day 1: You are born. What an absolute remarkable day. You arrive into this world, pushed out of the comfort of your warm snuggly home – your mother’s womb. How nice..How Traumatic! At the time, we had no idea what was going on and I’m sure it was confusing, stressful & painful. We register the first trauma of our lives in the outside world.
Through the ages of 0 to 7 our ego develops. We are essentially sponges constantly taking in information from our environment. According to Erikson’s Theory and Piaget’s Theory,
Trust is established in the first year when a child receives consistent and reliable care – a sense of security and trust in the world develops.
Up to the age of 2 years old babies are learning about the world through their senses and actions and begin to understand the impact of their actions on the environment.
From the ages of 2-3 children begin to assert their independence. When successfully navigated it fosters a sense of autonomy and confidence and a belief in their capability to influence their environment. They use language and develop memory and imagination leading to the emergence of self-concept – The ego begins taking shape.
The preschool ages of 3-5 mark a time where children experiment with different roles and scenarios which aids in the development of their self-concept and behavioural patterns. Play allows them to rehearse and internalise social norms and beliefs about themselves and others. This is also a time where they take initiative and with positive reinforcement from their role models results in a strong sense of initiative and leadership. Conversely, discouragement can result in guilt and hesitancy.
School age (6-11 years) Success
Success in school and peer interactions helps children develop a sense of competence and belief in their abilities. Experiences of success or failure shape their self-esteem and future behavioural patterns. Positive reinforcement fosters industriousness, while repeated failure can lead to feelings of inferiority.
Concrete Operational Stage (Piaget’s Theory): Logical thinking about concrete events allows children to form more complex belief systems and behavioural patterns. They start understanding cause and effect, which influences their approach to problem-solving and interactions with others.
So, back to the meaning making not being about the situation. Essentially when you get down to the depths of it, the situations we perceive as ‘negative’ or ‘unwanted’ are due to our belief systems we’ve developed over the years. The systems are what govern our behavioural patterns or ‘programs’ that we run on autopilot. We learned these from an early age at a time that the programs may have served us. It may have offered us a sense of belonging, feeling part of a tribe, feeling loved, safe and protected, feeling worthy and so on. Some of the common programs that we run are:
- Procrastination
- Judgement
- Scarcity
- Abundance
- People pleasing
- Anti-authority
- Perfectionism
- Scepticism
- Over responsibility
- Under responsibility
- Worst-case scenario
- Best-case scenario
We’ve all run these programs at some stage of our life however they don’t necessarily run at the same time. Consider programs as parts or us, children of me. With Shadow Work & Inner Child Work one can explore these programs deeply and understand how they show up in your life and how you can transition so that they work for you as oppose to against you.
Below is a bit more information about each of these programs. Do any of these resonate with you?
Procrastination
Procrastination is the act of delaying or postponing tasks. It often stems from fear of failure, perfectionism, or feeling overwhelmed.
Example: Instead of working on an important project, you spend hours cleaning your house or browsing social media.
Where We Tend to Use It: When faced with tasks that seem daunting or unpleasant.
Result of Running in Excess: Leads to missed deadlines, increased stress, and feelings of inadequacy.
Why We Run This Pattern: Procrastination is often a coping mechanism to avoid feelings of anxiety, fear of failure, or overwhelm associated with a task.
Where It Stems From: It can originate from childhood experiences where perfection or high performance was demanded, leading to a fear of not meeting expectations.
Judgement
Judgement involves forming opinions or conclusions about others or ourselves, often in a critical or negative manner. It can stem from internal insecurities or unmet needs.
Example: Criticising a colleague for making a mistake at work, without acknowledging your own fear of making errors. Judging ourselves for not going to the gym or eating unhealthily.
Where We Tend to Use It: In social interactions, particularly when feeling insecure or threatened.
Result of Running in Excess: Strained relationships, isolation, and increased self-criticism.
Why We Run This Pattern: Judgement of others can be a way to deflect attention from our own insecurities or shortcomings.
Where It Stems From: This behaviour can stem from early experiences of being judged or criticised, leading to an internalisation of this behaviour as a defence mechanism. Judgement of ourselves can stem from:
- Parental Criticism: Growing up with highly critical parents or caregivers can lead to internalizing their judgments. Constant negative feedback can make a child believe they are not good enough.
- High Expectations: When parents or teachers set very high standards, children may feel immense pressure to meet these expectations and judge themselves harshly when they fail.
- Comparison: Being frequently compared to siblings, peers, or other individuals can foster self-judgment, especially if one feels they don’t measure up.
- Societal Standards: Society often sets unrealistic standards for success, beauty, and behaviour. Failing to meet these standards can lead to self-judgment.
- Trauma: Experiences of trauma or abuse can lead to internalising negative beliefs about oneself, fostering self-judgment.
- Failures and Mistakes: Past failures or mistakes can lead to a fear of repeating them, resulting in harsh self-judgment to avoid perceived future failures.
- Bullying and Teasing: Experiences of bullying or teasing by peers can leave lasting impacts on self-esteem and lead to self-judgment.
- Social Rejection: Experiences of rejection or exclusion can make individuals overly critical of themselves, believing they are inherently flawed.
- Low Self-Esteem: Individuals with low self-esteem are more likely to engage in self-judgment, often believing they are not worthy or capable.
- Mental Health Issues: Conditions such as depression and anxiety can amplify self-critical thoughts and judgments.
Scarcity
Scarcity mindset is the belief that there will never be enough resources, such as money, time, or opportunities. This can lead to feelings of anxiety and competition.
Example: Constantly worrying about money and avoiding spending, even when it’s necessary, because you fear you won’t have enough later.
Where We Tend to Use It: In financial planning, career progression, and resource management.
Result of Running in Excess: Chronic stress, poor decision-making, and limited personal growth.
Why We Run This Pattern: Scarcity mindset is often a result of fear and anxiety about not having enough resources to meet our needs.
Where It Stems From: It typically stems from past experiences of lack or deprivation, such as growing up in a financially unstable environment.
Abundance
Abundance mindset is the belief that there are plenty of resources and opportunities for everyone. This can lead to a more positive and generous outlook.
Example: Sharing knowledge and resources freely with others, trusting that it will come back to you in some form.
Where We Tend to Use It: In networking, personal development, and collaborative efforts.
Result of Running in Excess: Potential for overextending resources, unrealistic optimism, and neglecting practical constraints.
Why We Run This Pattern: An abundance mindset helps us to remain positive and motivated, believing that opportunities and resources are plentiful.
Where It Stems From: It often originates from positive reinforcement and experiences of sufficiency during childhood, or a conscious decision to adopt this mindset later in life.
People Pleasing
People pleasing is the tendency to prioritise others’ needs and approval over your own. It often stems from a need for acceptance or fear of rejection.
Example: Agreeing to take on extra work at the expense of your own well-being to avoid disappointing your boss.
Where We Tend to Use It: In work environments, social interactions, and family dynamics.
Result of Running in Excess: Burnout, loss of self-identity, and resentment.
Why We Run This Pattern: People pleasing is driven by a need for acceptance, approval, and fear of rejection or conflict.
Where It Stems From: It often stems from childhood experiences where love or approval was conditional on pleasing others, leading to an ingrained habit of prioritising others’ needs over one’s own.
Anti-Authority
Anti-authority behaviour is a resistance to rules, regulations, or figures of authority. This can stem from past experiences of feeling controlled or oppressed.
Example: Deliberately ignoring workplace policies because you dislike being told what to do.
Where We Tend to Use It: In work environments, educational settings, and social structures.
Result of Running in Excess: Conflicts with authority figures, limited career progression, and potential legal issues.
Why We Run This Pattern: Anti-authority behaviour is a reaction to perceived control or oppression, seeking to assert independence.
Where It Stems From: It often stems from experiences of authoritarian parenting or oppressive environments where autonomy was restricted.
Perfectionism
Perfectionism is the need to be or appear perfect, often driven by fear of failure or criticism. It can lead to excessive stress and avoidance of tasks.
Example: Spending hours perfecting a report, unable to submit it until you believe it’s flawless.
Where We Tend to Use It: In academic, professional, and creative endeavours.
Result of Running in Excess: Increased stress, procrastination, and diminished productivity.
Why We Run This Pattern: Perfectionism is driven by a fear of failure, criticism, or a deep-seated need to prove oneself.
Where It Stems From: It typically originates from environments where high standards were expected, and mistakes were harshly criticised, leading to an internalised pressure to be perfect.
Scepticism
Scepticism involves doubting or questioning everything, often to the point of cynicism. It can stem from past betrayals or disappointments.
Example: Doubting the sincerity of a colleague’s praise because you assume they have an ulterior motive.
Where We Tend to Use It: In interpersonal relationships, work environments, and decision-making processes.
Result of Running in Excess: Isolation, mistrust, and missed opportunities.
Why We Run This Pattern: Scepticism serves as a protective mechanism to prevent being hurt or disappointed by others.
Where It Stems From: It often stems from past experiences of betrayal, disappointment, or manipulation, leading to a habitual mistrust of others.
Over Responsibility
Description: Over responsibility is taking on more responsibility than is necessary or healthy, often due to a need to control outcomes or fear of failure.
Example: Taking on all the tasks in a group project because you don’t trust others to do them correctly.
Where We Tend to Use It: In work environments, family settings, and social groups.
Result of Running in Excess: Burnout, resentment, and strained relationships.
Why We Run This Pattern: Over responsibility is a way to feel in control and prevent perceived failures.
Where It Stems From: It can stem from environments where one was forced to take on adult responsibilities early in life, or where mistakes had severe consequences.
Under Responsibility
Under responsibility is avoiding or neglecting responsibilities, often due to fear of failure, lack of confidence, or a sense of helplessness.
Example: Avoiding paying bills until the last minute because you feel overwhelmed by financial management. It can also include blaming your emotional state on others or ‘projecting’.
Where We Tend to Use It: In personal life, work environments, and social commitments.
Result of Running in Excess: Missed opportunities, increased stress, and damaged reputation.
Why We Run This Pattern: Under responsibility is a way to avoid the stress and potential failure associated with taking on tasks.
Where It Stems From: It often stems from a lack of confidence, past failures, or environments where responsibilities were overly burdensome.
Worst-case Scenario
Worst-case scenario thinking involves constantly anticipating the most negative outcome in any situation. This can be driven by anxiety or past traumas.
Example: Assuming you’ll get fired every time your boss asks to speak with you.
Where We Tend to Use It: In decision-making, planning, and personal relationships.
Result of Running in Excess: Chronic anxiety, indecision, and missed opportunities.
Why We Run This Pattern: Worst-case scenario thinking is a way to prepare for and protect oneself from potential negative outcomes.
Where It Stems From: It often stems from past traumas or experiences where unexpected negative events occurred, leading to a heightened sense of vigilance.
Best-case Scenario
Best-case scenario thinking involves expecting the most positive outcome in any situation. It can be beneficial but might also lead to unrealistic expectations.
Example: Assuming you’ll get a promotion after a successful project without considering other factors.
Where We Tend to Use It: In goal setting, planning, and personal aspirations.
Result of Running in Excess: Disappointment, unrealistic expectations, and potential neglect of risks.
Why We Run This Pattern: Best-case scenario thinking helps to maintain hope and motivation by focusing on positive outcomes.
Where It Stems From: It can stem from positive reinforcement during childhood or a naturally optimistic outlook on life, sometimes reinforced by positive experiences.
Often these programs run on autopilot. Sometimes they are useful however a lot of the time they play out when we don’t want them to.
Understanding these patterns through shadow work and inner child work involves delving into their origins and addressing the underlying fears, traumas, or beliefs that drive them. This can lead to greater self-awareness and healthier behaviour patterns.
The Importance of Inner Child Healing
Inner child healing is a powerful therapeutic process that allows us to reconnect with and heal the wounded parts of ourselves that stem from childhood experiences. By addressing these early traumas, we can prevent overthinking and let go of the fear that holds us back. This healing journey is crucial for anyone looking to improve their life and find true happiness.
Exploring Shadow Work
Shadow work, another cornerstone of our psychotherapy approach, involves bringing to light the hidden aspects of our psyche. By understanding and integrating our shadow selves, we can live more authentically and move forward in life without being hindered by unconscious judgments, guilt, anger, or sadness. Shadow work is essential for anyone feeling stuck, held back by the voice in their head and seeking help to uncover their true life’s purpose.
Understanding Behavioural Patterns
Through behavioural analysis, we can help you understand the underlying causes of your actions and reactions. This understanding is pivotal in breaking free from negative patterns and fostering positive changes. By comprehending why we behave the way we do, we can let go of past hurts and make conscious decisions that lead to joy, peace, and everlasting happiness.
Letting Go of Fear and Overthinking
Fear and overthinking are common barriers that prevent many people from living fulfilling lives. Our therapy sessions are designed to help you confront these issues head-on, enabling you to let go of fear and embrace life with confidence. By addressing these mental blocks, you can improve your life and find a deeper sense of meaning and purpose.
Seeking Help and Moving Forward
Seeking help is a courageous first step towards personal growth and healing. At Enspirit we provide a safe and supportive environment where you can explore your emotions and experiences without judgment. Our goal is to help you move forward in life, overcoming feelings of ‘stuckness’ and finding a path to happiness and peace.
Embracing Authenticity and True Life’s Purpose
Living authentically means aligning your actions with your true self. Through our psychotherapy services, we guide you on a journey of self-discovery, helping you uncover your true life’s purpose. This process involves letting go of societal expectations and embracing who you genuinely are, which is essential for finding meaning and fulfillment in life.